Tuesday, October 13, 2009

How do you tell?

I haven’t been myself for sometime now. I’m trying to be chirpy and happy but am not. I’m trying to engross myself in work but it’s not happening. I’m trying hard to be strong but I can’t. I’m trying to get back to my routine but it’s not helping. I’m trying to keep myself occupied, with the dancing, with the writing, with the music and with the books; to take my mind off, nope that’s not working too.

I can see the problems and I cannot or maybe I’m not trying enough to find the solutions. I’m worrying too much and for the first time I am at a loss. It’s not me giving up or anything but I think I’m falling apart and getting weak.

It’s not that I’ve not seen death at close quarters; it’s just that the aftermath this time is playing havoc with my mind. The intention is not to get sympathy votes – I hate that. When people got to know me after Papa’s death and used to tell me, ‘Minal, we are sorry for your loss’ – I used to pray hard for that conversation to end at those very words. I don’t need the sympathy; I would tell myself I’ve been lucky – He was there with me for 17 years – some do not even get a chance to meet their father.

It’s just that I’m leaving for Mumbai again in a few days and meeting mom; and I do not know how to tell her to get on with her life. 12 years back I could, because she had so much to see and complete which Papa could not. She knew she had to be strong too and she did. Mom unlike me and Papa, is an introvert, does not open up to many people, but if you know her from close quarters, she is the most loving person you will meet. She is also very much in touch with the times and though she nags me at times, she often understands and lets me be. But she is very emotional unlike me and unlike her mother. Accepting things as is comes far easier to me than her.

She has tried her best but I know she has not yet fully recovered from the tragedy that struck us 12 years back, honestly neither have I. Sure it made us stronger and independent but it’s not easy. Having lost a parent I know how it feels. It makes you insecure, unsure and orphaned at whatever age you are. The only way is to see others who have faced worst and pacify ourselves in being lucky.

But then again how do I tell someone who has lost both her parents; that it is okay, accept and move on. How would I feel tomorrow if my daughter told me – ma you need to move on – this is how life is; well I know how life is, I have seen it much more than you – that’s  what I would think then.

I love mom so much, with all her flaws and limitations she has been the best mother to me and I would have none other in any other lifetime.

She too is feeling the same right now about her mother. Yes, her mother stayed with her the most and the longest one possibly can, but whether you are 5 or 15 or 30 or 60 you never stop being a daughter to your mother and your mother never stops caring about you even though you are independent and up on your feet.

So tell me, how do you tell a daughter to move on, now that her mother, her companion, her friend is not there anymore to walk the remaining path of life with her.

13 comments:

Diwakar Sinha said...

Honestly, I am too young to even suggest.
But even then, I think the best you can do is be with her as much as you can.

PNA said...

This is such a difficult task Minal! Words just make it worse........Your presence will make the difference and do the trick... keep her close and you take care too...

Kokonad said...

Words will fall short of whatever I want to tell you - the gist being I admire your strength and compassion. :) You do create an everlasting impression of love.

Anonymous said...

Accepting parent’s loss is like embracing the bitterest reality, and there is hardly anyone who can replace our parents, but I feel as parents grow old they seek for the security, comfort and companionship in their children.
I am no one experienced or anything to give even a word of advice but I can’t resist after having read this, myself having been brought up by a single parent I can relate to your emotions. All your mom needs is you by her side and no words can fill up that, that’s where she will regain her strength.
Take care.
Swapna

Sujatha said...

Minal, could she stay with you for a little while? Perhaps that might help. Sorry if this is too personal. Hugs to you.

Minal said...

@diwakar, pins n ashes: thanks for the kind words - and yes will do that. Will spend maximum time with her

@kokonad: even those little words have helped a lot! Thanks

@swapna: you are right and you know we know that but sometimes it seems so tough to tell them

@sujatha: you have the right to tell me even if it is personal! I'm convincing her to stay with me later next month once they take care of all formalities. And I need those hugs - thanks!!

Vivek Rao said...

Your friends have already said a lot of good stuff in their comments, so wont repeat any of that.

I've always heard it being said that sons are most attached to their mothers, and daughters are most attached to their fathers. I had thought about this when one day in JB you had told me that you'd lost your father a few years back. The pain in your eyes was fresh.

I have a small daughter now, one year old. After reading your post i couldn't help praying that i'm around for her as long as she needs me.

Minal said...

@vivek: if you ask me today - the pain is still the same - it does not go away just that one tries not to think about it.
I will pray for that too - she is too cute and please don't even get such thoughts in your mind

poonamtalkies said...

Minal, the one things that struck me most when I came to know that you lost your dad so young was, "I could never tell he was not with them anymore" I always noticed that you spoke of him in present tense. I probably wouldn't have ever known about it.

The one thing that probably might help soothe the pain is telling yourself, that alive a person can be only in one place at one time. But in death, they get closer to God and can be everywhere all at once.

And yes, loss of a parent is too hard and words will always fall short to express pain and to empathize, where you are 5 or 95.

Sands said...

Minal, first of all a big hug to you. I don't think you can tell her to feel better. That needs to come from within for her. All you can do is be there for her, support her and distract her :) I think Sujatha had a great idea. Having her over with you might be a great distraction!

Weasley Speaks said...

u are her best medicine.. her best hope.. her best solace... her reason for existence...
that pain can never be taken away.. but i will make sure i share it with u every moment....

pagpri said...

Just take her with you when she finishes all the formalities.. you are everything she has now.. your presence means everything.
Take care.Hugs !

Minal said...

@poonam : Fact is you are right - they stay with us and loss of a parent is always always hard.

@sands: thanks so much for the hugs - I so need them. Mumma is little better now - spent a few days with her. She is coming to Dubai later next month so I'm really glad now!

@weasley speaks: yeah sweetheart I know - you are my strength.

@pagpri: yup - she is coming here next month!